My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
