theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
