hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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