i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
