Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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