theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
