I hate all girls vehemently.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
