So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
