it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
