White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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