i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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