i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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