I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
