i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
