The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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