Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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