That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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