Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He did a backflip because drugs
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