this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
