I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
