i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
