Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
