i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
