Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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