I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
