Your mouth is God's brothel.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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