jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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