This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
