we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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