I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
