If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
