This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
