He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
