We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
