I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
