There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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