guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
