dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
