I am spending my child support on dildos
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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