She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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