i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
