I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
