I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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