The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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