every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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