filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize