Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
