Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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