maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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