So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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