Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
