God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
