yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
