Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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