I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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