Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
