Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
